Human
by FLECHER
Summary: A shaken Commander Shepard tries to figure out what's wrong with herself after a mission blurred from racial hatred has her fighting on the wrong side. Oneshot


**_Bits and pieces of this have been buzzing in my head for a while now, and so I wrote down the best I could do with the idea. Sorry, no Samara/Shepard in this one, implied or otherwise. Wasn't sure how to work that in anyway, so thought it best to just keep Shepard 'single' for this oneshot. I'm not sure if I've pulled it off, or if it just came out as a mess, but I did what I thought was best.  
_**

**_"Enjoy!"_**

**_EDIT: For the "Nicole" character, see "Ghost of Akuze"  
_**

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**Human**

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Five days. Five days they had been planet side and finally they were going back home to the Normandy. At least that's where Ashira considered home; earth nor any human colony held any true meaning for her. She made a point of reminding herself that growing up solely on spaceships and stations was the reason; at least that's what she kept telling herself.

The mission had been simple at first, a group of humans had sent out a distress signal after their ship crashed. Not long after, a group of Turians showed up and immediately opened fire. During that first fight, it became apparent that the humans were more than just wary of aliens. She had noted the cautious glances they gave to both Mordin and Samara; but dismissed it at the time.

The fight dragged out for the next four and a half days, both sides unwilling to give in. During that time, Ashira tried to get what happened out of the humans, and was told that the Turians had shot them down unprovoked. _"Just like those bastards, always shooting and bombing for no reason!"_ Ashira took it with a grain of salt, unsure that it had been so clear-cut; then again she had met enough Turians with such blind hatred that it could be true. Didn't mean she believed them.

During the late afternoon of the fourth day, another skirmish occurred, and their side won against the Turians. They were wounded, some dead, and Ashira stopped the humans from killing the few survivors. She bid everyone to give her some time, and they backed off until they wouldn't be able to hear whatever she was going to say.

After a few moments, Ashira walked back to her group, Samara keeping an eye on the humans and Mordin giving her a curious look. In the space of a few seconds, Ashira whipped out her pistol a buried a bullet in each of the human's heads. Anger and regret twisted her mouth, and she calmly explained what she had heard to a surprised Mordin and Samara.

The humans had led an unprovoked attack against a Turian community on Omega, killing any they could find in the street and busting into houses to slaughter families. Mordin asked how she knew this was true, and Samara remained silent, only watching her. Ashira held up her omnitool, showing a recording that one of the turian's gave to her.

A young Turian could be seen in a dark room, with muffled gunfire and screams sounding from outside where he was hiding. _"Father! They're going to kill us! Mother told me to hide, but I can't leave her to those humans! They'll kill her if I don't do something!" _his young face looked dismayed, a splash of azure blood marring his plates. He held up a machine pistol, too big for him to hold comfortably in one hand. _"You always said I'd grow up to be a proud and honourable warrior! No more waiting! I'll make you proud! I'll protect everyone! I love you, fath-!" _then the recording ended as the door on the left burst inwards, gunfire raining in and tearing into the young turian with ease.

Ashira was silent the whole flight back, and didn't speak a word when they docked, going straight to her cabin. Making sure the door was locked, she unbuckled her armour and put it away in her closet. Now in a pair of grey leggings and a fitting tank top she simply flopped onto her bed.

She felt hollowed, sick; disgusted. Rolling onto her back she lifted her hands, staring at them. The sight of them filled her with a cold fire that burned away every shred of compassion she could ever muster. _Human._

She could feel it, feel them, her own people, spreading like a virus. How was it even possible? It had been less than 40 years since they joined the rest of the galaxy.

Yet it seemed entirely possible since it was happening.

Ashira thought back to before they defeated the collector's, when she had helped Thane with his son; the bomb that Captain Bailey dropped on her after their interrogation of Elias was enough to shake her.

"_Are things __**so**__ bad that people can openly campaign as Anti-human?"_ her voice was strained, futility being the strongest emotion that prevailed. She had to bite her tongue when Bailey replied, noting that the human's rise to power was seen as a coup. Hearing Talid's heated ranting about humans only jarred her more. They never _asked _for that council seat after the battle against Sovereign; it was _offered_. What should she have done? Let the old council die then so that a completely human council would take over? The _hell _that humans in power would work along side the aliens. She knew her so-called people well enough to realise that had that opportunity presented itself, humans would have taken complete control as the dominant species.

That wasn't the way of things, balance existed for a reason. Humans were still so young, arrogant, ignorant and, and…

Ashira curled her fingers into the bed sheets, closing her eyes tight. Something was wrong here. She'd noticed it during their race to take out the collector's, coming across so many situations and people. But up until now she tried to ignore it. Taking about humans always left a bad taste in her mouth, she felt so completely and utterly removed when she was around them or talking to them. But around aliens she didn't feel hollow anymore, there was no cold fire waiting to burn her from the inside out.

Maybe it started when Kaiden accused her of being a traitor.

"_You've turned you're back on __**everything**__ we fought for!"_ the look on his face had been angry, almost resentful; but most of all hurt. The commander was his hero; she represented all the good that humanity could offer.

Ashira had bristled, _"Kaiden you know me! You __**know**__ I would only be doing this for the right reason." _She had tried to stay calm, tried to keep her emotions from getting in the way of things. But he had to push just that little bit more.

Kaiden narrowed his eyes, _"maybe. Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. You've changed, but I still know where __**my**__ loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier; always will be."_

Ashira stared at him, momentarily at a loss for words, before she smiled coldly. _"Oh, alright then…"_ she made a half-turn as if to start walking away, but whirled sharply and slammed her fist into his jaw full force. The man gave a startled yell - a tooth flying out - as he stumbled back and fell over, clutching his jaw.

"_Owe them!"_ Ashira yelled, glaring down at the oh-so-proud Alliance soldier. _"I. Owe. Them. __**Nothing!**__"_ she hissed out, trembling with barely contained anger. _"I have more reason than anyone to utterly despise them - and __**you**__ accuse me of working for them like I enjoy it? Like I thought it was a good idea!"_ she quickly walked up to him, grabbing Kaiden by the collar of his armour and hauling the man to his feet. _"I. Had. No. Choice! You insipid moron!" _she had growled out her words by that point. Kaiden's eyes were wide, shock and a little bit of fear in them. _"The Alliance tore apart everything I said after my death. The council thinks I'm insane. So tell me, exactly what should I have done? Played good little soldier and returned to the alliance to stick my head in the sand and just __**ignore**__both the Collectors __**and**__ Reapers!"_ she shoved him back, her eyes full of a dark fire. _"Go back to your precious Alliance and report like a good little soldier, Kaiden. I don't __**care**__ anymore."_

With that they had left, leaving Kaiden staring after her and Ashira wondering why she couldn't have just kept her cool.

The little bastard deserved it, she thought, he should have known her better. How in the name of hell could she have possibly felt obliged to help or willingly work for Cerberus? They had fed her entire unit to a thresher maw, taken away Toombs for experiments that could only be classified as outright torture and they had…they had…

Her hands tightened. _Nicole…_

_What the hell am I?_ she opened her eyes, rolling onto her side and just staring into open space as everything around her just seemed to blur into a meaningless grey mess.

She didn't honestly know if she would pull through the fight with the Reapers, and some part of her believed that she wouldn't. Even if she did, Ashira didn't exactly feel thrilled about surviving. But she just kept fighting, just kept going through the motions as she would until the end, fighting with every fibre of her being to the bitter end.

Her armour protected her in more ways than one, keeping in this broken creature she had become and encasing it in something recognizable. Wearing her armour she became Commander Shepard, the council Spectre and Hero of the Galaxy. But now…

_I can't feel it,_ Ashira closed her eyes. _Nicole, I can't feel anything. Not with food or drink; sex hasn't even entered my mind. There's just no hunger at all, nothing._

Nothing sparked her interest anymore, time on the Normandy was now usually spent up in her cabin, either sleeping or checking her armour. There was a bottle of whiskey under her desk that she had been drinking from before, but at some point she had just stopped. Ashira frowned deeply, it couldn't be like that; she wasn't…no she couldn't be. She quickly got up from her bed, walking up to her workspace and reaching under the desk. Pulling the bottle out, it was half full; she opened it.

But nothing else happened, she merely stared down, waiting for herself to move, to drink it and feel the fiery liquid slip down her throat. But nothing. No matter how much she willed herself to take just a sip even, her arm didn't move.

It was her favourite drink and she didn't want it, not even a thought of 'I'll have some later.'

Ashira left the bottle alone, going back to her bed and curling up. After a few moments, she fell asleep.

"Ash."

She opened her eyes, finding herself standing- well she wasn't sure where she was standing. It seemed like a grassy plateau with a calm river running through it, ending in waterfalls that disappeared into the endless darkness that surrounded this chunk of earth. She turned with a frown, looking to her side only to see a womanly figure in a simple white summer dress. Red hair was a rich, delicious wave that fell to the middle of her back. It always had to be tied up neatly whenever they were on duty. "Nicole?"

She turned to look at the pale soldier, a smile on her lips. "Yes?"

Ashira walked forwards wordlessly and wrapped her arms around Nicole's waist, resting her head against the other's shoulder. Nicole leaned back, placing her hands over Ashira's. "I know why you feel the way you do, love," she said gently. Ashira opened her eyes by slits, her arms tightened around Nicole's waist but she didn't say a word. "You wonder why you feel nothing at all, no hunger or interest for or in anything. Do you want to know why?"

Ashira closed to her eyes, pulling her arms away, "yes."

Nicole turned around, seeing that Ashira was standing on the edge just the same as her. She smiled softly and moved behind her, wrapping her arms around Ashira's waist and leaning up to whisper in her ear. "You don't feel for anything, Ash, because inside you're already dead."

Ashira's eyes opened by mere slits, feeling Nicole's lips press against the back of her neck, warm and soft. "I suppose…I suppose I should've expected that?" Ashira murmured, not really finding the strength to talk. "I'm sorry, Ash," Nicole sounded upset, "I never meant to leave you." Ashira leaned her head back, staring up at the great dark abyss that surrounded them. "Not you're fault. It was Cerberus." Her hands clenched slowly. Nicole smiled against her neck, "shouldn't they suffer for what they did to us? To Toombs?"

"_Commander!"_

Ashira jerked awake, her surroundings barely registering to her as EDI's voice came through. "The Turian's have been patched up and have been sent on their way, they thanked you for your help, even if it came at the last moment."

Ashira narrowed her eyes, "right."

EDI's holographic image seemed to 'look' at her. "Commander, are you well?"

Ashira bowed her head, getting up from her bed, "I'm fine EDI," she spoke flatly, starting to pull on her armour. "Just fine." She looked towards the AI, "how much information do you have of other Cerberus Cells?"

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_**This sort of came to me at random, the whole idea anyway, but the bits and pieces about Shepard's humanity and loss of 'hunger' were inspired by elsewhere. The hunger bit mostly from the episode of Supernatural "My Bloody Valentine" where Famine talks to Dean after looking into his soul. **_**_I really liked the scene, because it brought home what had been building over the entire episode, showing how low Dean had gotten over the season._**

**_In any case, hope you enjoyed it, reviews will be much appreciated.  
_**


End file.
